THE SECRET OF SANTA BARBARA

I have this dear friend who lives in the palmy perfections of Santa Barbara, California. There with many of the stars, celebrities, and Oprah. Only recently he shared a remarkable secret residing on one of the city's green side streets...!

I'm not allowed to mention her name, but she is well known among the stars, celebrities and possibly Oprah. Ethel is her name, and Gloria Swanson's iconic role in Sunset Boulevard is her nature. The dark 1920s architecture of her home has everything the movie did except Erich von Stroheim.

What madam Ethel is secretly known for is her talent -- her gift, really -- for training stars and celebrities to be stars and celebrities. Oh yes, stardom and celebritom don't come without practice. I'm not at liberty to use the names of the clients, but here are some of the ingenuities madam Ethel specializes in.

For starlets on a night on the town with their publicist -- the sudden turn of the head to the cameras to highlight the cheekbones, offer a wisp of blond hair over the eye, and the compelling half-opened-mouth that says to every man: "I want you."

For rockers getting ready for their tour -- that certain primitive plant of the wide-apart legs that offer a hint of genitalia packaged inside the tight jeans. Rockers master their notes in rehearsal, but madam Ethel knows precisely how they can master their narcissism in her mirrored studio. I humbly admit to vowing never again to sing in my shower.

For athletes between seasons -- many of them work with her to perfect the look. The proper steely squint, the set jaw, the ecstasy of the teethy roar, and of course the photographable pump of the fist into the air. And you thought this was spontaneous.

For news anchors looking to advance their careers from say the station in DesMoines to the network in New York, this astonishing guru focuses on the techniques that most distinguish the memorable from the just adequate. It's all in the hands. Especially the way they're used to hold, to sort and at the end to tap those papers in front of you. Whenever you see one of the anchors' hands doing this with that certain effortless flair, you're seeing Ethel's work.

But now that television has segued into the era of the ordinary -- ordinary Joe the plumber and Jane the hooker -- this remarkable Santa Barbara resident is training them as well. How to appear ordinary and un-rehearsed while rehearsing in front of all those cameras, lights and cheap network executives who prefer inexpensive reality shows.

I tell you this frankly -- that little lady is helping shape the culture of an entire nation! As of now, only my friend and I know her name. And unless The National Enquirer offers an appropriate fee, her secret is safe with us....