DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN YOUR MEDICINE CHEST?

The October 4 edition of the New York Times features another in one of America's favorite past-times -- worrying about whether or not we worry too much...!

Of course we worry. Too much? Well, that's a judgment call that depends on how you define and defend worrying. The evolutionists remind us that what we call worry was that instinct for self-preservation that kept the best of us safe all these eons. The spiritualists remind us that worry is a form of guilt and guilt is a derivative of our species' original sin in Eden. Atheists and agnostics remind us that worrying is irrational and therefore a waste of our materialistic time here on this materialistic planet.

Hard to pick an answer. So -- as has become modern man's predilection -- we turn to our statisticians. These are the fine folks who not only work with numbers, but wax with almost shaman-like eloquence about the power of these numbers to speak truth to us. Oh, they don't put it quite that way, but honestly now, don't some of these statistical reports that flood our media remind you of grandmas hovering over tea leaves to decide whether or not Emily's child will be a girl or a boy?

But now in perfect contradiction let us resort to one of the latest statistical reports: America's Most Used Drugs.

For a people impressed by stats, AARP has just published the pharmaceutical tea leaves of our time. If we sort through them, perhaps this will afford us some concrete evidence of what really worries us. While these statistics report only our actions, our actions at the pharmacy counter certainly must reflect what we most worry about, right? (Well, to answer that question you'd of course have to assemble another statistical study; but why bother inasmuch as every study breeds at least three contradictory studies).

Instead, simply going to the heart of the matter, here are the top ten drugs prescribed in America today. What their name and rank tell you about our worries is for you to worry about:
* HYDROCODONE pain ($1.78 billion)
* LISINOPRIL hypertension ($686 million)
* SIMVASTATIN high cholesterol ($1.45 billion)
* LEVOTHYROXINE hypothyroidism ($546 million)
* AMOXICILLIN bacterial infection ($439 million)
* AZITHROMYCIN bacterial infection ($ 1.28 billion)
* LIPITOR high cholesterol ($5.88 billion)
* HYDROCHLOROTHIAZIDE hypertension $ 288 million)
* ALPRAZOLAM anxiety/depression ($468 million)
* ATENOLOL hypertension ($274 million)

Did your pills make the list...? Not to worry, there are more where these came from. Harder to report, though, inasmuch as some of them don't exactly come from your friendly local pharmacist.

All things being equal, statistical reports like these make everyone happy. The users, because it reminds us we're not the only sick ones. The pharmacists, because it's music to their cash registers. To the pharmaceutical industry, because it means more executive bonuses at the end of the year. And to any kid who happens upon this study, because when you're young and indestructible, numbers and illness like these are always good for a good laugh over your next beer and deep-dish pizza...!