HISTORY OF AMERICA IN ONE S.O.S.

All right, everyone knows the ship-of-state is listing, maybe even sinking. The SOS has been sent out. Now what? How are the people on this ship responding?

You'd think in only one logical way -- everyone working shoulder to shoulder to save the ship. Instead, here in the fading summer of 2010, most everyone is arguing toe to toe. Crazy....? Yeah, you could say that. Lets take a quick look:

* In 1st class there is a smug calm, because they believe they have the money to get the first life-boats. As for those other passengers, well just remember the old Darwinian battle cry: "When you've got it, keep it!"

* If you are one of the celebrities on board, you have your public to think of. So get out your best wardrobe, put on your best for-the-little-people smile, and remember such classic role models as Paris Hilton, Lady Ga Ga and Tiger Woods!

* If you are among the bankers on board, you pretty much do what you always do: Blame "unforeseen circumstances." Then at that precise moment, you yell out: "Kill the captain and throw his crew overboard!"

* If you are in 2nd class through steerage, you turn to other alternatives. Huddling close together and praying still has appeal. The easiest thing to do, of course, is listen to the apocalyptic voices among you, and rage with them at the conspiratorial forces of fate. Say like that conspiratorial captain, if the bankers haven't already killed him!

* If you are among the young, you likely strip to the waist in readiness. Angry that you may never reach your life's port, but still confident your fate is still in your own hands!

* If you are a member of the band, you remember what they did on the Titanic. They remained at their posts and played "Nearer My God to Thee." Only modern music has pretty much forgotten sentimental old melodies, so you strike up a roaring new Rap piece. No one can understand the lyrics, but what the hell, we're sinking anyway!

Now if in real life this ship-of-state actually survives and limps into port, chances are everyone on board will do three things: Find someone to blame...take a big chunk of the credit for getting here...and then in time book passage on the same kind of ship taking the very same kind of route.

Are we crazy...? No, we're just humanity...!