STRANGE EVENTS BETWEEN THE 1ST & 16TH FLOOR

There I was, inside an elevator inside a building inside a crowded neighborhood of Chicago skyscrapers. And still it rang. My cellphone. My nifty little Captain Kirk communicator which had arrived with a 57-page users guide that makes absolutely no sense to anyone without an engineering degree. Incredible. Even without degree and even sardined inside this sealed steel shell, someone could actually reach me. Even if the phone were off, their message could still actually reach me. From anywhere anytime in the world...!

The hefty guy in the white hospital jacket next to me seemed annoyed. Not with the ringing, but with the degree-less user trying to figure out how to answer it as it played "When The Saints Go Marching In" my daughter had programmed into it. I can never exactly remember -- press the black button, squeeze the silver do-dad, or just flip the cover.

To the relief of the irritated passengers, the hefty guy in the white jacket finally showed me. Yes, yes, now I remember. My daughters had repeatedly instructed: "Just lift the damn cover, Dad!"

The voice was Joan's: "Did you find your way there...?" "Yes, I got lost a few times, but I'm here...." "Where's 'here',,,?" she asked. "Inside here with the others..." The others sorta shuffled in place. "Don't forget the book, Jack..." "The book...?" "Yes, the gift book you're bringing him. You took it with you, didn't you...?

At this point -- some passengers gladly having got off and quizzical new ones having got on -- I was stumped. I knew I had taken the book, but where was it?? "Hello, hello...?" she said. "Yes, I'm still here..." I replied. "Where's 'here' now...?" she pleaded. I looked around for the floor number, but the silly thing was nowhere in sight. "I'm not sure..." The well-coiffed lady in the leather coat next to me (she had been with me throughout this whole ugly ride) finally explained: "This is the 16th floor..."

But I wanted the 15th. Leo's room was on the 15th. "Honey, I think I missed my stop..." "All right, don't get excited, " she soothed, " you know this always happens. Just get off at the next floor and go back to 15..."

She was right, of course. It's not my mind -- Joan and the girls assure me it's been this way as long as they've known me -- it's really all this technology. Automated garage gates, automated elevators, Dixieland phone calls. I'll be all right as soon as I get off this thing.

When at last my mission is accomplished and I find myself heading for room 1501, Joan asks one more time: "Did you remember to bring the book...?" My voice is strong and clear: "Yes, yes I definitely brought the book. Only..." "Only what..?" she begged.

Only it was back in the car back in the automated garage with the talking gates and I simply can't do that all over again. Leo will simply have to be satisfied getting me without the book. And Joan, well she'll simply have to expect I'll be late for dinner.

Again.