THE THEOLOGY OF HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS

One of our cosmic burdens in life is attending high school. No, really. Except for the few star athletes, chirpy cheerleaders, and straight-A kids, most of us slog though these four years with various combinations of acne and angst, disappointing grades and disappointed dates. Then, adding insult to injury, we get invited back to our reunion to live it all over again....!

But here's a story out of Los Angeles where the injured got the last insult. Andrea Wachner knew she was considered a shy geek at school, so she hired a slinky-dressed, fishnet-stockinged stripper to attend in her place. With long-repressed cunning, Andrea equipped her alter-ego with a hidden earpiece. This way she could coach her about what to say and to whom. In all this world, two hours of revenge may never have been so sweet.

The Bible teaches: Revenge is God's alone. How many times, though, have we asked for an occasional exemption to the rule? Right after insidious bosses and credit card companies, old hurts loom large on our list. The real problem comes when we carry this instinct to the level of nations. History has been spattered with the blood of revenge-wars ever since Cain slew Abel.

No need to know your history, though, because all you have to do is close your eyes in front of world globe and plant your palm. Presto -- you've just identified at least three or four neighboring nations that resent one another. And, most likely, have had wars with one another.

When wars were with clubs, losses were modest. Now with missiles, wars are apocalyptic. We can always escape our school reunion, but we can no longer escape one another on a shrinking energy-depleted planet. Who, then, do we turn to when it comes to managing this revenge syndrome...?

Science has been busy isolating and identifying various gene pools in our species. Among these are inherited pre- dispositions to envy, aggression and violence. Genetic engineering has long been the dream of many. To what purpose is, of course, the critical question (see Nazi science for ugly results).

The fine arts have always been busy "soothing the breast of the savage beast." Without music, sculpture, painting, cinema and literature, there is less to distinguish us from the other evolved beasts on the planet. But to what purpose is, again, the critical question (see Hollywood for mixed results).

Religion has always been busy sublimating our specie's vilest instincts to higher and more worthy purposes. To one theological degree or another, religions have sought to build bridges between the human and the divine. Gods and after-lifes help shape the nature of our behaviors. However, in the hands of zealots, to what purpose is, yet again, the critical question (see monastics to suicide-bombers for confusing results).

I'll be thinking about these perplexing matters at my next reunion. Fortunately, at my advanced age, I'll probably forget all about them after my first drink! Then again, maybe not....