BEING A CLOWN ISN'T ALWAYS FUNNY

When someone tells us "You're such a clown," that's either a compliment or an insult. I never much thought about clowns after my last circus many years ago. But then I met Jeff, and many of my ideas about being-a-clown changed....!

Jeff is Florida director of Barnum & Bailey's clown school. My actress-wife worked with Jeff in professional theatre before he, as they say, ran off and joined the circus. I learned from him just how much work and rehearsal it takes to be a good clown. But I have to say he learned from me just how easy all that is for politicians back here in Illinois. What's more, our guys do it without costume and makeup.

Now look, there's nothing unique about calling politicians clowns. It started with Washington being called a "funny excuse for a king" to Jackson being labeled "a laughable killer of Indians" to Lincoln being considered "nature's biggest joke on America." However, those critics never met an Illinois pol.

Jeff and I both agreed that politics is an honorable profession. These are men and women entrusted with the power to serve the general welfare, and most times they start off with the best of intentions. It's just that funny things seem to happen to them along the way. And while the details are different for each story, the plot is often the same

* Most start off as council members at local or city levels. After the first few months of slogging through dull documents and meetings, they try to break the monotony with some flashes of humor. If the media happens to pick up on this, it feeds the ego enough to eventually produce a Fast Eddie Vrydolyak or a Hat-Flourishing Dorothy Tillman. As I pointed out to Jeff, no amount of training can make pols like these funny. You either have it or you don't. The ones who have it usually bring it with them all the way to prison where they get jobs like MC of the annual prisoner talent show!

* Mayor tends to be the next step up. Whether it's a local suburb or all the way up to the funniest political city in America, Chicago, this office has the opportunity to keep voters laughing all the way to the tax-sponsored poor house. The political laugh meter spikes especially when mayors speak in public, but I was able to tell Jeff Mayor Richard Daley not only spikes but breaks the meter. That's because he speaks a language mastered by only the few great ones: Chicagoese legalese!

* The post of governor in Illinois is, as I told Jeff, the biggest clown-prize in our state. It's known far and wide as the Henny Youngman award, because no job in American politics has proven to be so funny. I mean guys like Kerner, Ryan and now Blagoevich have had audiences rolling in the aisles for years. All at the very same time they've been rolling the suckers in that same audience. Lets see any Barnum & Bailey clown pull that off!

* The big drumroll of course goes to anyone from Illinois who gets to Congress. In the highly competitive world of political humor, playing Congress is playing the big time. Over the years we've had too many clowns to count. But if you don't mind counting backward, start with our latest Senator, Roland Burris. He may not be funny himself, but he does owe his career to the funnest clown in sight: the big Blago himself!

When I got through, Jeff was so impressed, he says he's changed his plans. Instead of bringing the circus to Illinois, he'd like to bring Illinois to the circus!