A WARNING FROM OUR COLD-DEAD-HANDS STILL GRIPPING OUR GUNS

Something terrible is happening to our America. The land of the free, home of the brave, headquarters of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood, and pride of the NRA. We're suddenly being sissified! You heard me. The mothers and schoolmarms of America have risen up to tear down our national right to bone-crushing sports, men-only clubs, guns galore, and poking fun at ballet, gays and fat people. This isn't a good sign. Why at this rate, great all-American traditions like take-no-enemies in business, free-for-all-bleacher-brawls, and a new-war-every-10-years could eventually disappear!

Now that's not right. That's not American. That's not a good thing for the biggest military power on earth which has already been infested with too damn many gays. At this rate, the world will start thinking of us -- well, as over-civilized like those French dandies. That's no way to run an empire.

Oh, this sort of national demise begins in small subtle ways. Just like the once-mighty Roman Empire. I mean just look at the evidence all around us. Mammas trying to protect their babies from all-American sports like football, soccer, and boxing. Do-gooders babbling about more safety helmets and gun controls. Trouble-makers looking to have homos getting the same rights as the rest of us Americans.

Where does it all end...? I'll tell you where. With the little-ladies-that-lunch and the queer-fringe calling the shots. Hell, the only shots I want to hear are those tearing through the woods so I can get me a few more antlers for my den. Haven't these sissies ever read their Second Amendment? Or checked out some of our great legends like Jesse James, Butch Cassidy, George Custer, and Charlton Heston?

That's all I have to say. My work here is done. Now it's up to you to fight the sissification of America wherever you can. Maybe starting in that next bar where you and the boys toast our great country......