PROUD TO BE A PARANOID AMERICAN

PROUD TO BE A PARANOID AMERICAN!

How do you define paranoia? Generally it means irrational suspicions. But while we can easily describe a suspicion, it gets harder to describe what's irrational. I mean think about it -- they once called Jesus, Mohamed,
Michelangelo, Darwin and my Uncle Terry irrational. Well, Uncle Terry was, but that's off-point...!

Sometimes being paranoid can be useful. For instance, when my pc screen abruptly stops to instruct me it is -- entirely on its own accord -- about to re-program itself, my suspicions about Big Brother are wisely re-awakened. I am now better prepared to turn off my President, boycott my post office, send back my Social Security check and rush a donation to the Joe Wilson re-election fund. I say, thank god for a little timely paranoia, because it bolsters my all-American right to life, liberty and the pursuit of dangerous government cabals.

Some high-energy paranoia also comes in handy whenever any local elected officials start to do me and my bank account harm. Take crazy Richard Daley trying to bring the Olympics to Chicago, or squinty-eyed Cardinal George trying to call Catholics back to the faith, or Oprah trying to do anything. Once your paranoiac juices are flowing, you're better ready to resist these irrational conspiracies. You're reminded once again that in America, freedom means being free to suspect everything and everyone.

I learned a lot from Uncle Terry. He always said that if you ever go to a doctor, you'll get sick. If you ever go to a hospital, you'll die. And if you ever let anyone stick a needle in you, it sucks all the testosterone out of your system and you'll never be a parent. They laughed at the old guy -- but you can see for yourself how right his paranoia was. He made damn sure he never saw a doctor, a hospital or a needle. He died at age 37 leaving a wife and six kids
According to my Aunt, Uncle Terry died proud of his paranoia, because it always made him feel like a real American....

Jack Spatafora